Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Obsessive - Compulsive: A Real Struggle

A lot of people joke about being obsessive-compulsive (OC) or having OC tendencies. These are funny and all but do they truly understand what it feels like? Do they have any idea how much of a struggle it is?

For example, do they know the feeling of having sleepless nights just because two pillows have a different pillowcase or their pillows are not arranged in a certain order?

It may seem ridiculous or downright crazy, but that's the reality of it all. Not all of us can function normally knowing that our phones have scratches on them or that one sock isn't symmetrical with the other.

For other's, it's something so trivial and they look at us like we're freaks of nature but honestly, we're not. We're just wired differently. We look at the world in a different perspective. We appreciate things that strike balance and anything that disrupts that balance sets us off.

Imagine, having a preference for the color of your gadgets and then one of them is different. It's not hating on the color or the gadget, it's just that it doesn't look even.

One of the biggest problems I have is with books. If I could buy hardbound books only, I would. But I cant. Some are not available here. When I started reading the Harry Potter books, the first 2 were paperback. The rest were hardbound.

Can you imagine how annoyed I get when I look at them? They're not balanced. They're not equal. A book is a book... to someone who isn't OC. But for someone who is, this is sacrilege.

It's not easy dealing with it and we try our best to keep our urges at bay, but it's hard. It's like an itch in our brains that we can't scratch. We all have different forms or quirks of being OC. Some have it easy and they can easily brush it off. For some, it's worse.

Having to go down at night just to make sure that you locked the front door and then going back down again to make sure that you didn't unlock it by mistake when you were checking if it was locked. Yeah, that happens. I've experienced it. I still do.

How about arranging your clothes by color and size with the corresponding hangers to indicate which are regular shirts, dress shirts, polo-shirts, pants, and jackets?

How about not being able to eat when using a different plate or mug because your brain was wired to only appreciate food served on specific plate and drink from a specific mug.

I could keep going on. I could keep rambling, but I'll just sound crazy to people who don't understand what it feels like.

So ease up on the jokes. Being obsessive-compulsive isn't that fun.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Throwback Thursday

A few years ago, I was at my Mom's birthday party in La Union. My Grandfather (well, he wasn't really my grandfather but you get the point), who was still alive and at the time was there. He lived in Canada but was in the country at that time.

During the party, I had a guest with me. To the world, he was my bestfriend. but in reality, he was more than that.

After the party, when all of the guests had left, I was at the house and so was my Grandfather. I don't think I've ever told this story to anyone, not even my Mom. He called me and said he wanted to talk to me.

"The guy who's with you, I know he's not your bestfriend," he said.

I looked at him confused while trying to hide my fear that my cover had just been blown.

"I know he's your boyfriend. I can see it. I can sense it. You don't have to hide the truth."

I was silent. I did not know how to react. I did not know what to say.

"It's fine," he said. "You don't have to say anything."

I smiled and said goodnight.

A few years after that, I found the courage to come out to my mother and she welcomed me with open arms. She said that she knew since I was young.

Looking back, I wish I had the courage that night to tell my grandfather the truth. He asked me many times after that and every time, I would deny it. He passed away a month before I came out. At that time, I wished he were alive to hear the news. I think I should mention that that grandfather of mine was gay, and a proud one at that. He was one of the reasons why my Mom loves gay men.

At that time, I felt a sigh of relief. At least, there was one person who seemed fine with me being gay.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Happy Birthday, Gregory!

Happy Birthday to the best boyfriend in the world!

Happy Birthday to you who makes me smile and makes me laugh out loud without a care in the world.

You who loves me unconditionally.

You who makes my day complete.

You who still sweeps me off my feet.

I may not show it and I may not say it all the time, but I am grateful to have you in my life. I know I can be a handful because loving me means you have to love everything that I am and everything that I am not.

Between the two of us, you are the rational one. You are the perfect balance I need to remind myself that I don't need a lot of things in life to be happy. You take care of me in ways that make me realize that I no longer have to be alone. I don't thank you enough for that.

You have all these little quirks that make me smile whenever I think about them and you keep your composure even when things get rough but the times when you've let your guard down and I saw you break, those moments made me love you a bit more because I saw a side of you that no one else saw.

I love how we have our own little world, our own little bubble where even if it's just the two of us, we don't get bored with one another and we can go on laughing for hours on end. Most people don't even get to experience that kind of love.

I was broken when you met me, I still am and for so many years I've become accustomed to doing things by myself. At times I've pushed you away and built a wall but I am amazed at how patient you are and that even if you don't exactly understand what I am going through or what it feels like to be me, you try your best to do so. Just because I don't say it, it doesn't mean that I don't see the effort you make.

With you I feel safe. With you I feel secure, and little by little, I start to feel whole.

I love you not because of the sweet things you do for me, I love you because you love me despite everything I am that isn't worth loving.

And since it is your birthday, I wrote a song for you.

I hope you like it.


Sunday, May 11, 2014

Happy Mothers Day!

Today is a special day.

It's Mother's Day. The day we dedicate to our Mothers, the woman who drives us crazy sometimes but we love her no matter what and we run to her when shit hits the fan.

All of my friends know that my mother and I have a non-conventional Mother-Son relationship. We're more like bestfriends and we can tell each other anything. When I am down, my mother is not the type who will pacify me. She will tell me to stand up and face the world with my head held high.

She taught me to be independent, to stand on my own two feet.

My mother can't do the laundry, but she'll hire the best laundry woman there is. She can't really cook, but she tries her best in the kitchen. My mother is not a typical mother. She has the beauty that make men fawn over her, she has the flare and pizzazz of a gay man, she curses like a sailor and she has one of the most infectious laughs I've ever heard.

When I told her I was gay, she said her dream came true. When something good happens, she's the first person I would call. When I need guidance on something big, I would solicit her advice. She gives good insight on things like when she told me this: "Good things come to those who wait. But not too long. I don't like waiting for a long time."

Everyone says that they have the best Mom in the world. Well, not only do I have the best mom, I also have the coolest mom.

I mean, look at her. Carrying around that selfie pod, not a care in the world :)

Happy Mother's day, Ma. Love you.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Sa Ngalan Ng Pamilya (Paninindigan - Reputasyon - Dangal)

So this is what has been keeping me busy. I'm part of a play.

It's a family drama that focuses on the life of the Ibarra family. A family with a dominating father who has too much control over his children, a wife who blindly follows her husband, and children who yearn to be free from their father's tyrant rule.

Presented by the San Lorenzo Ruiz Parish Gospel Choir in partnership with the Parish Youth Ministry.

Dates: April 14 and 16, 2014

Price: 100php

Venue: San Lorenzo Ruiz Parish Formation Center, Tierra Verde 1, Tandang Sora, QC